23 quotes
The Nature of Popularity Explored
Sheldrake
Tell me, Baxter -- just what is it that makes you so popular?
Bud
I don't know.
Sheldrake
Think.
Bud
Would you mind repeating the question?
Sheldrake
Look, Baxter, I'm not stupid. I know everything that goes on in this building -- in every department -- on every floor -- every day of the year.
Bud
You do?
Sheldrake
What kind of joint are you running?
Bud
Sir?
Sheldrake
There's a certain key floating around the office -- from Kirkeby to Vanderhof to Eichelberger to Dobisch -- it's the key to a certain apartment -- and you know who that apartment belongs to?
Bud
Who?
Sheldrake
Loyal, cooperative, resourceful C. C. Baxter.
Finding Connection in a Crowded World
Calvin Clifford (C. C.) "Bud" Baxter
Y'know, I used to live like Robinson Crusoe. I mean shipwrecked among 8 million people. And then one day I saw a footprint in the sand and there you were.
A Complicated Love Triangle Resolution
Bud
I've got good news for you. All your troubles are over. I'm gonna take Miss Kubelik off your hands. The plain fact is, I-I love her. I haven't told her yet, I thought you should be the first to know. After all, you don't really want her, and I do, and although it may sound presumptuous, she needs somebody like me. So I think it would be the best thing all around - solution-wise.
[to himself, practicing what he will say to Sheldrake]
Sheldrake
I've got good news for you, Baxter. All your troubles are over...I know how worried you were about Miss Kubelik. Well, stop worrying. I'm going to take her off your hands.
The Importance of Candlelight in Hospitality
Fran
Shall I light the candles?
Bud
It's a must! Gracious-living-wise.
The Challenge of Letting Go
Fran Kubelik
I wonder how long it takes to get someone you're stuck on out of your system. They should invent a pump for that.
Blame and Miscommunication in The Apartment
Sheldrake
I didn't plan it this way, Fran. Actually, it's all Baxter's fault.
Fran
Baxter?
Sheldrake
He wouldn't give me the key to the apartment.
Fran
He wouldn't.
Sheldrake
Just walked out on me - quit - threw that big fat job right in my face.
Fran
The nerve.
[a faint smile]
Sheldrake
That little punk - after all I did for him! He said I couldn't bring anybody to his apartment, especially not Miss Kubelik. What's he got against you, anyway?
Sheldrake
What are you talking about?
Fran
I'd spell it out for you, only I can't spell.
Unfulfilled Promises and Emotional Manipulation
Sheldrake
Do you remember what we talked about?...I mean about my getting a divorce.
Fran
We didn't talk about it, Jeff, you did.
Sheldrake
You didn't really believe me, did you?
Fran
They got it on a long-playing record now. Music to String Her Along By. My wife doesn't understand me. We haven't gotten along for years. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
Sheldrake
That's enough, Fran.
Fran
Just trust me, baby. We'll work it out somehow.
Sheldrake
You're not being funny.
Fran
I wasn't trying.
Sheldrake
Fran, if you'll just listen to me for a minute.
Fran
All right, I'm sorry.
Sheldrake
I saw my lawyer this morning. I wanted his advice about the best way to handle it.
Fran
Handle what?
Sheldrake
What do you think?
Fran
Let's get something straight, Jeff. I never asked you to leave your wife.
Sheldrake
Of course not. You had nothing to do with it.
Fran
Are you sure that's what you want?
Sheldrake
I'm sure. If you'll just tell me that you still love me.
Fran
You know I do.
A Fruitcake for Mr. Sheldrake
Bud
What about Mr. Sheldrake?
Fran
We'll send him a fruit cake every Christmas.
Trust and Accountability in the Workplace
Sheldrake
Baxter, an insurance company is founded on public trust. Any employee who conducts himself in a manner unbecoming...How many charter members are there in this little club of yours?
Bud
Just those four - out of a total of 31,259 - so actually, we can be very proud of our personnel - percentage-wise.
Sheldrake
That's not the point. Four rotten apples in a barrel - no matter how large the barrel - you realize that if this ever leaked out...
Bud
Oh, it won't. Believe me. And it's not going to happen again. From now on, nobody is going to use my apartment.
Sheldrake
Now remember, Baxter - this is going to be our little secret.
Bud
Yes, of course.
Sheldrake
You know how people talk.
Bud
Oh, you don't have to worry.
Sheldrake
Not that I have anything to hide.
Bud
Oh, no sir. Certainly not. Anyway, it's none of my business - four apples, five apples - what's the difference - percentage-wise?
Navigating Life and Apartment Challenges
Calvin Clifford (C. C.) "Bud" Baxter
As for myself, I very often stay on at the office and work for an extra hour or two, especially when the weather is bad. It's not that I'm overly ambitious, it's just a way of killing time, until it's all right for me to go home. You see, I have this little problem with my apartment...I live in the West Sixties, just half a block from Central Park. My rent is $85 a month. It used to be eighty until last July when Mrs. Lieberman (Frances Lax), the landlady, put in a second-hand air conditioning unit. It's a real nice apartment - nothing fancy - but kind of cozy - just right for a bachelor. The only problem is - I can't always get in when I want to.
A Request for Fresh Air
Fran
Would you mind opening the window?
Bud
Now don't go getting any ideas, Miss Kubelik.
Fran
I just want some fresh air.
Bud
It's only one story down. The best you can do is break a leg.
Fran
So they'll shoot me - like a horse.
Bud
Please, Miss Kubelik, you got to promise me you won't do anything foolish.
Fran
Who'd care?
Bud
I would.
Fran
Why can't I ever fall in love with somebody nice like you?
Bud
Yeah, well, that's the way it crumbles, cookie-wise.
Forgiveness in Unforgivable Situations
Bud
Well, as a matter of fact, I was rather hurt that night you stood me up.
Fran
I don't blame you, it was unforgivable.
Bud
I forgive you.
Fran
Well, you shouldn't.
Bud
You couldn't help yourself. I mean, when you're having a drink with one man, you can't suddenly walk out on him because you're having another date with another man. You did the only decent thing.
Fran
I wouldn't be too sure. Just because I wear a uniform, that doesn't make me a Girl Scout.
Bud
Miss Kubelik, one doesn't get to be a second administrative assistant around here unless he's a pretty good judge of character, and as far as I'm concerned, you're tops, I mean, decency-wise, and otherwise-wise.
The Evolution of Wives and Their Awareness
Sylvia
Wives are getting smarter all the time. Take Mr. Bernheim -- in the Claims Department -- came home one night with lipstick on his shirt -- told his wife he had a shrimp cocktail for lunch -- so she took it out to the lab and had it analyzed -- so now she has the house in Great Neck and the children and the new Jaguar...
Kirkeby
Don't you ever stop talking?
Unfair Expectations in Relationships
Sheldrake
You know, you see a girl a couple of times a week, just for laughs, and right away, they think you're gonna divorce your wife. Now I ask you - is that fair?
Bud
No, sir, it's very unfair, especially to your wife.
Discussion on Cold Statistics and Personal Experience
Fran
I never catch colds.
Bud
Really. I was reading some figures from the Sickness and Accident Claims Division. You know that the average New Yorker between the ages of twenty and fifty has two and a half colds a year?
Fran
That makes me feel just terrible.
Bud
Why?
Fran
Well, to make the figures come out even, if I have no colds a year, some poor slob must have five colds a year.
Bud
Yeah... it's me.
[sheepishly]
Lessons in Love and Makeup Choices
Fran Kubelik
How could I be so stupid? You would think I should have learned by now. When you're in love with a married man you shouldn't wear mascara.
Love and Distraction in a Card Game
Bud
I love you, Miss Kubelik...Did you hear what I said, Miss Kubelik? I absolutely adore you.
[playing cards]
Fran
Shut up and deal!
[smiling]
Conflict Over Apartment Access
Bud
You're not gonna bring anybody to my apartment.
Sheldrake
I'm not just bringing anybody. I'm bringing Miss Kubelik.
Bud
Especially not Miss Kubelik.
Sheldrake
How's that again?
Bud
No key.
Sheldrake
Baxter, I picked you for my team because I thought you were a very bright young man. You realize what you're doing? Not to me, but to yourself. Normally, it takes years to work your way up to the 27th floor, but it only takes 30 seconds to be out on the street again. You dig?
Bud
I dig.
Sheldrake
So what's it going to be? Now you're being bright.
[Bud reaches into his pocket for a key and drops it on the desk]
Bud
Thank you, sir.
Sheldrake
Say, Baxter, you gave me the wrong key.
Bud
No, I didn't.
Sheldrake
But this is the key to the executive washroom.
Bud
That's right, Mr. Sheldrake. I won't be needing it, because I'm all washed up around here.
Sheldrake
What's gotten into you, Baxter?
Bud
Just following doctor's orders. I've decided to become a mensch. You know what that means? A human being.
Sheldrake
Now hold on, Baxter.
Bud
Save it. The old payola won't work anymore. Goodbye, Mr. Sheldrake.
The Dynamics of Taking and Being Taken
Fran Kubelik
Some people take, some people get took. And they know they're getting took and there's nothing they can do about it.
Embracing Imperfection in Reflection
Bud
The mirror... It's broken.
Fran
Yes, I know. I like it that way. Makes me look the way I feel.
Statistics of New York City Population
Calvin Clifford (C. C.) "Bud" Baxter
On November 1, 1959, the population of New York City was 8,042,783. If you laid all these people end to end, figuring an average height of five feet six and a half inches, they would reach from Times Square to the outskirts of Karachi, Pakistan. I know facts like this because I work for an insurance company - Consolidated Life of New York. We're one of the top five companies in the country. Our home office has 31,259 employees, which is more than the entire population of uhh... Natchez, Mississippi. I work on the 19th floor. Ordinary Policy Department, Premium Accounting Division, Section W, desk number 861.
Unfulfilled Love and Heartbreak in Relationships
Fran
For a while there, you try kidding yourself that you're going with an unmarried man. Then one day he keeps looking at his watch, and asks you if there's any lipstick showing, then rushes off to catch the seven-fourteen to White Plains. So you fix yourself a cup of instant coffee and you sit there by yourself, and you think and it all begins to look so ugly.
Sheldrake
How do you think I felt, riding home on that seven-fourteen train?
Fran
Why do you keep calling me, Jeff? What do you want from me?
Sheldrake
I want you back, Fran.
Fran
Sorry, Mr. Sheldrake, I'm full up. You'll have to take the next elevator.