Fantastic Mr. Fox Quotes

Mr. Fox Apple juice? We didn't come here for apple juice. This is some of the strongest, finest alcoholic cider money can buy or that can even be stolen. It burns in your throat, boils in your stomach, and tastes almost exactly like pure, melted gold.

Felicity Fox If what I think is happening is happening... ...it better not be.

Mr. Fox Your tractors uprooted my tree. Your posse hunted my family. Your gunmen kidnapped my nephew. Your rat insulted my wife... and YOU shot off my tail! I'm not leaving here without that necktie!

Franklin Bean Ah, yes. He's very clever, isn't he? Might be a bit difficult, I suppose. But I already figured out where this fox lives. And tomorrow night, we’re gonna camp in the bushes, wait for him to come out of the hole in this tree, and shoot the cuss to smithereens. How does that grab you, fellas?

Mr. Fox I used to do this professionally, and I was very successful at it. I had to get out of it for personal reasons, but I've decided to secretly do one last big job on the sly. I'm bringing you in as my secretary and personal assistant.

Kylie Okay!

Mr. Fox This is actually kind of a big deal, so don't just say, "Okay!".

Kylie Okay. Well, thank you.

Mr. Fox I'm going to tape this for my records, so don't make a lot of sounds. Meaning, stop rocking.

Mr. Fox Master plan, phase one, side "A". We'll start with Boggis's chicken house number one. His only security is a few old hunting beagles and a low stone wall. Now, a word about beagles. Never look a beagle directly in the eye. And if--

Kylie Why not? Beagles aren't so tough.

Mr. Fox Yeah? Well, first of all, one of these beagles has chronic rabies, which he's on medication for, and if you get bit by him, you have to get shots in your stomach for six months, and second-- Listen, I'm not going to justify this. You just pay attention and stop interrupting me. I'm taping this. I pick some blueberries and lace each one with ten milligrams of high potency sleeping powder, enough to tranquilize a gorilla.

Kylie How do we make them eat it?

Mr. Fox Beagles love blueberries. Remember, they aren't very smart, but they're incredibly paranoid, so always kill a chicken in one bite. One bite. Get it? Are you listening to me? I look into your eyes, and I can't tell whether you're getting anything I'm saying.

Franklin Bean We got the tail, but we missed the fox.

Franklin Bean That's just weak songwriting. You wrote a bad song, Petey!

Mr. Fox YOU SCARED THE CUSS OUT OF US!

Badger A lot of good animals are PROBABLY GONNA DIE BECAUSE OF YOU! We've been digging in circles for three days. HALF the woods have been obliterated, NOBODY can get out. Right now, my wife's huddled at the bottom of the flint-mine with NO food, NO water and 27 STARVING animal brats.

Phil I just want to see a little...sunshine.

Mr. Fox But you're nocturnal, Phil. Your eyes barely even open on a good day.

Phil I'm sick of your double talk! We have rights!

Beaver's Son We don't like you, and we hate your dad. Now grab some of that mud, chew it in your mouth and swallow it.

Ash I'm not gonna eat mud!

Beaver's Son Cuss yeah, you are!

Kristofferson Don't do that.

Beaver's Son Why'd you take your shoes off?

Kristofferson So I don't break your nose when I kick it.

Ash I can fight my own fights.

Kristofferson No, you can't.

Felicity Fox We're all different... Him, especially. But there's something kind of fantastic about that, isn't there?

Mr. Fox Who am I, Kylie?

Kylie Who how? What now?

Mr. Fox Why a fox? Why not a horse, or a beetle, or a bald eagle? I'm saying this more as, like, existentialism, you know? Who am I? And how can a fox ever be happy without, you'll forgive the expression, a chicken in its teeth?

Kylie I don't know what you're talking about, but it sounds illegal.

Mr. Fox Here, put this bandit hat on. Maybe you're a medium. Take it off for a minute. And don't wear it around the house. And so it begins.

Mr. Fox They say all foxes are slightly allergic to linoleum, but it's cool to the paw - try it. They say my tail needs to be dry cleaned twice a month, but now it's fully detachable - see? They say our tree may never grow back, but one day, something will. Yes, these crackles are made of synthetic goose and these giblets come from artificial squab and even these apples look fake - but at least they've got stars on them. I guess my point is, we'll eat tonight, and we'll eat together. And even in this not particularly flattering light, you are without a doubt the five and a half most wonderful wild animals I've ever met in my life. So let's raise our boxes - to our survival.

Badger Don't buy this tree, Foxy. You're borrowing at nine-and-a-half with no fixed rate, plus moving into the most dangerous neighborhood in the country for someone of your type of species.

Mr. Fox You're exaggerating, Badger.

Badger I'm sugar-coating it, man. This is Boggis, Bunce, and Bean; three of the meanest, nastiest, UGLIEST farmers in the history of this valley.

Mr. Fox Really? Tell me about them.

Badger All right. Walt Boggis is a chicken farmer, probably the most successful in the world. He weighs the same as a young rhinoceros. He eats three chickens every day for breakfast, lunch, supper, and dessert. That's twelve in total per diem. Nate Bunce is a duck and goose farmer. He's approximately the size of a pot-bellied dwarf, and his chin would be underwater in the shallow end of any swimming pool on the planet. His food is homemade doughnuts with smashed-up goose livers injected into them. Frank Bean is a turkey and apple farmer. He invented his own species of each. He lives on a liquid diet of strong alcoholic cider, which he makes from his apples. He's as skinny as a pencil, as smart as a whip, and possibly the scariest man currently living. The local human children sing a kind of... eerie little rhyme about him. Here, listen to this.

Ensemble ♪ Boggis, Bunce, and Bean. One fat, one short, one lean. Those horrible crooks, so different in looks, were nonetheless equally mean. ♪

Badger In summation, I think you just gotta not do it, man. That's all.

Mr. Fox I understand what you're saying, and your comments are valuable, but I'm gonna ignore your advice.

Badger The cuss you are.

Mr. Fox The cuss am I? Are you cussing with me?

Badger No, you cussing with me?

Mr. Fox Don't cuss and point at me!

Badger If you're gonna cuss with somebody, you're not gonna cuss with me, you little cuss!

Mr. Fox You're not gonna cuss with me! Just buy the tree.

Badger Okay.

Mr. Fox What the cuss?! Where'd this giant fence come from?! We had a master plan!

Ash It'll-- It'll grow back, won't it?

Kylie Tails don't grow back.

Ash Tails don't grow back?

Kylie Uh-uh. Except for lizards.

Mr. Fox Tails don't grow back. I'm gonna be tail-less for the rest of my life.

Ash Well, anyway, it's not half as bad as double pneumonia, right? I mean, his dad's got one foot in the grave and three feet on a banana peel. That's a lot worse than just...

Kristofferson Excuse me, everyone. I'm gonna go meditate for half an hour.

Felicity You have got twenty-nine minutes to come up with a proper apology.

Ash Me?! Me, have an apology?! He gets a bandit hat?! He just got here, and he gets a bandit hat?! Where's my bandit hat?! Why didn't I get shot at?! It's because, you... you... YOU THINK I'M NO GOOD AT ANYTHING!!! Well, maybe you're right. Thanks.

Kylie Told ya not to bring him.

Felicity Fox Am I being flirted with by a psychotic rat?

Franklin Bean They took everything? Let me call you back, Petey.

Mr. Fox I spotted a couple of broken burglar bars underneath the back door to Bean's secret cider cellar.

Kylie We're breaking into Bean's house?

Mr. Fox Cellar.

Kylie Where he lives?

Mr. Fox Where he keeps the cider.

Ash Below where he lives.

Mr. Fox Where'd you come from? You go back to the tree and do your homework.

Ash I wanna help you steal some cider.

Mr. Fox We're going to a book party, and you keep your mouth shut about any cider because no one ever said that. Now get out of here!

Ash But-- Uh..

Mr. Fox But Nothing! You're gonna get me in a lot of trouble! Besides, you're too little and uncoordinated. One, two, three! Where the cuss does that kid get off? Can you believe that? How did he get tipped off?

Mr. Fox Honey, I'm seven non-fox years old. My father died at seven and a half. I don't want to live in a hole anymore. I'm going to do something about it.

Kristofferson Do you mind if I slide my bedroll slightly out from under the train set? It's hard to sleep in that corkscrew position.

Ash There's a lot of attitudes going on around here. Don't let me get one.

Kristofferson No, it's only just that my spinal-cord...

Ash Sleep, wherever you want, man. Here, take my bed. I'll just, uh...I'll crawl under the bookcase. Who cares if I get splinters in my ears?

Kristofferson Never mind...

Ash Oh, are you gonna pout about it? Because I've had it up to HERE with the "sad houseguest" routine!

Kristofferson Good night.

Mr. Fox I guess we do have these three ugly farmers to thank for one thing: reminding us to be thankful and aware of each other. I'm gonna say it again: aware.

Bean Ah, so good of you to come! I'm happy to see you! You both looking splendid! How ya been, Walter? In good health, I trust.

Boggis Uh, uh, uh...

Bean Nathan, all is well?

Bunce Uh...

Bean Wonderful! Any fox problems?

Boggis Are you joking?!

Bunce It's horrible!

Boggis We're miserable!

Bunce He's laughing at us!

Boggis It's humiliating!

Bunce We're furious!

Boggis I don't even want to talk about it.

Bean Perhaps we ought to kill him.

Boggis Well, that seems rather obvious.

Bunce He's too sneaky!

Bean Ah, yes. He's very clever, isn't he? Might be a bit difficult, I suppose. But I already figured out where this fox lives. So tomorrow night, we'll camp in the bushes, wait for him to come out of the hole in the tree, and shoot the cuss to smithereens. How does that grab you, fellas?

Boggis Yeah, don't see why not.

Mr. Fox Why the cuss didn't I listen to my lawyer? At this point we'll be lucky if we can flip this tree for half of what we've already sunk into it. I won't be able to sleep on my back for six weeks, and my stomach I feel congested. Why the cuss didn't I listen to my lawyer?

Felicity Because you don't listen to anybody.

Mr. Fox What was that?

Felicity What? I said--

Mr. Fox Wake up, everybody, they're digging us out!

Felicity They'll kill the children!

Mr. Fox Over my dead body, they will!

Felicity That's what I'm saying! You'd be dead too in that scenario!

Mr. Fox Well, I'm arguing against thatǃ

Felicity What are you talking about?

Mr. Fox WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?ǃ

Kylie STOP, STOP, STOPǃ! ]

Bean They took everything? Let me call you back, Petey.

Mr. Fox My suicide mission has been canceled. We're replacing it with a go-for-broke rescue mission.

Mr. Fox Redemption? Sure. But in the end, he's just another dead rat in a garbage pail behind a Chinese restaurant.

Mr. Fox HOLY SWEARING CUSS!

Mr. Fox Dear Farmers Boggis, Bunce, and Bean, I have no alternative but to agree to your terms. Move the station wagon and open the manhole cover below the foot of the drainpipe next to the cobbler shop, and meet me there today at 10 AM sharp. I will hand myself over to you in exchange for the boy's safe return. Cordially, Mr. Fox".

Felicity I'm going to lose my temper now.

Mr. Fox When?

Felicity Right now.

Mr. Fox Well, when...?

Felicity Twelve fox years ago, you made a promise to me, while we we're caged inside that fox trap. That if we survived, you would never steal another chicken, turkey, goose, duck, or a squab, whatever they are, and I believed you. Why? Why did you lie to me?

Mr. Fox Because I'm a wild animal.

Felicity You are also a husband, and a father.

Mr. Fox I'm trying to tell you the truth about myself.

Felicity I don't care about the truth about yourself. This story is too... predictable.

Mr. Fox Predictable? Really? What happens in the end?

Felicity In the end, we all die...unless you change.

Felicity Another book party?

Mr. Fox Oh! I didn't see you sitting in the dark over there. Yeah! No actually, there's a fire. I just got the call. They said maybe it's arson. I've got to interview the marshal and see if it's...

Felicity Kylie, is he telling the truth?

Kylie I... I don't want to be put into the middle of this.

Mr. Fox Thanks, Kylie.

Felicity Why is he wearing that bandit hat?

Mr. Fox His ears were cold. He's not with us. Go back to bed.

Felicity If what I think is happening is happening... ...it better not be.

Franklin Bean Wrap this wet, little mutt in a newspaper, and put him in a box with some holes punched in the top.

Coach Skip Let's see some hustle!

Kristofferson Coach, we don't have whack-bat where I'm from. What are the rules?

Coach Skip There's no whack-bat on the other side of the river?

Kristofferson No, we mostly just, uh, run grass sprints or play acorns.

Coach Skip Huh. Well, it's real simple. Basically, there's three grabbers, three taggers, five twig runners, and the player at whack-bat. Center tagger lights a pine cone, chucks it over the basket, and the whack-batter tries to hit the cedar stick off the cross rock. Then the twig runners dash back and forth until the pine cone burns out and the umpire calls "hotbox". Finally at the end, you count up however many score-downs it adds up to and divide that by nine.

Kristofferson Got it.

Coach Skip Go in for Ash. Substitution! Ash, come out. You need a breather.

Ash What, what? Come out? What? I still feel good, Coach. Let me finish this eighth.

Coach Skip No, no. Come on. Step out. Step out. Let's go.

Ash Am I getting better, Coach?

Coach Skip Well, you're sure as cuss not getting any worse.

Ash Really? You mean you I can end up being as good as my dad if I keep practicing?

Coach Skip Your dad? Your dad was probably the best whack-bat player we ever had in this school. No, you don't wanna have to compare yourself to that.

Ash No, but I think I have some of the same raw natural talent, don't you?

Coach Skip You're improving. Let's put it like that.