26 quotes
Enduring Presence Over Two Decades
Asylum Nurse #1
There he is again. Almost two decades and he still comes.
[talking about Harry]
Naming a Pet: A Humorous Exchange
Lloyd
Oh, yeah! Hey! Who's this?
[picks up Harry's cat]
Harry
That's Butthole. I found him out in the alley a couple years ago.
Lloyd
Why did you name him Butthole?
Harry
Cause of this.
[shows the cat's anus]
Lloyd
Oh, yeah. Good name. Totally fits.
Urgent Need to Return to Providence
Harry
Oh, crap! We've gotta get back to Providence!
Lloyd
What? Why?
Harry
Remember how I told you Ice Pick had to make that rock candy run down to Maine?
Lloyd
Yeah?
Harry
I forgot to get someone to feed Butthole.
Lloyd
Relax. I took care of it.
[sighs]
Harry
You did?
Lloyd
Yeah! Billy in 4-C's gonna feed him.
Harry
Oh, great. Well, didja give him the key to our apartment?
[chuckles]
Lloyd
No! You think I want wheel marks all over the rug? I just wrote him a note, left some food and threw Butthole inside his place when we were leavin'.
[goes to bed]
Harry
But Lloyd, Billy has over 100 rare birds in there!
Lloyd
So? They're not gonna mess with a 30-pound alley cat! Sheesh.
Billy
Hey, gang! I'm home! Guys? You sure are quiet. Speak to me, Siskel.
[rolls in the door and puts his keys aside; his apartment is completely trashed and the corpses of his birds are scattered; Butthole farts out several bird feathers and hops off the couch]
Siskel
The horror. The horror.
[squawks]
Annoying Sounds and Midnight Interruptions
Lloyd
Wanna hear the second most annoying sound in the world?
Harry
Sure. Yeah. That's pretty annoying.
[Lloyd constantly rings the doorbell]
Lloyd
No, not that.
Mrs. Stainer
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING RINGING OUR DOORBELL LIKE THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?!
[answering the door]
Lloyd
That!
Lloyd's Quirky Observation About Birds
Lloyd Christmas
Hey, Billy! I hear you got a lot of flocking birds.
Unusual Reaction to Peanut Smell
Harry Dunne
That's weird. The smell of peanuts makes my weenie cold.
Guessing Game for Car Royalty
Travis
I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 3. Whoever guesses it gets to be king of the car.
Lloyd
1!
Travis
Nope.
Harry
3?
Travis
Nope.
Lloyd
Okay, what is it?
Travis
2.
Lloyd
Oh, I swear I was gonna say that!
[groans]
Shake Mix-Up and Frustration
Lloyd
Oh crap! I ordered a vanilla shake and they give me a chocolate one!
Harry
Tell me about it! I ordered a chocolate shake, those jokes gave me a vanilla one!
Lloyd
They do that a lot!
[They throw both their shakes out without realizing they have each other's shakes; the milkshakes hit the front of a truck behind them and splatter all over the window]
Familiar voice
What the HELL!??!
[The driver turns out to be a much older Sea Bass]
Sea Bass Friend
Kick his ass Sea Bass!
Sea Bass
Those dirty sons of bitches!!!
[He pushes the accelerator and pursues them for long-awaited revenge]
Misunderstandings in Expressions of Love
Harry's Dad
We love you, Harry.
Lloyd
Did you love him long time?
Time Misunderstanding Leads to Humor
Harry
Whoa, Lloyd. Check out the hotties at 12:00.
Lloyd
That's three hours away. Why can't I check em out now?
Reflecting on Parenthood and Friendship
Harry
Boy, I sure wish I could've been there for her (Penny) when she was little.
Lloyd
Whatever. That's all water under the fridge now, Har. Think of the bright side. You're finally getting to meet her, and you never had to change all those poopy diapers.
Harry
That's called being a parent, Lloyd. Besides, I changed your poopy diapers for 20 years.
Lloyd
I totally sucked you in. Half the time, it wasn't even my poop.
[chuckling]
Searching for a Backup Hearing Aid
Harry
This is stupid Lloyd, I'm not gonna steal an old lady's hearing aid!
Lloyd
Relax we're just looking for a backup pair, there's gotta be some around here.
Mrs. Snergle
Mikey?
Lloyd
Yeah, Gran. It's Mikey.
[pretending to be Mrs. Snergle's grandson]
Mrs. Snergle
Oh, thank God you're here. I've got the diamonds.
Harry
Did she say diamonds?
[loudly]
Lloyd
Go ahead, Granny. Mikey's listening.
Mrs. Snergle
I want you to take all the diamonds with you when you go. I've been hiding them from those thieving lawyers.
Lloyd
That's good. Granny did a good thing! So, where are the rocks?
Mrs. Snergle
They're underneath me.
[pointing down]
Lloyd
You mean, under the bed?
[about to look under bed]
Mrs. Snergle
No, under the blanket.
Lloyd
Oh.
Lloyd
I'm not finding anything.
[chuckling]
Mrs. Snergle
Go up more.
Lloyd
Up here?
Mrs. Snergle
Keep going.
Lloyd
Did you hide them inside this turkey?
Mrs. Snergle
Yeah, right.
[inhales seductively]
Lloyd
Wait. There's no diamonds here!
[wiggling his arm]
Mrs. Snergle
And you're not my grandson!
[sternly]
Lloyd
Harry, she's got me. She's really clamping down!
[trying to pull out his arm]
Harry
Lloyd? I think that was her gran-gina!
[shuddering]
Mrs. Snergle
That's right! So you can cross that one off your bucket list!
Encouragement Between Friends in Difficult Moments
Harry
Anyway, you're in good hands here. So... take care, buddy.
Harry
Lloyd, did you say something?
[stops in his tracks]
Lloyd
I got ya.
[barely audible]
Harry
That's it, kid. You can do it. Come on! Come on, come on, come on! Spit it out!
Lloyd
GOT YA!!!!
[suddenly shouts in Harry's face; laughs]
Harry
What?
[stammers]
Lloyd
You should see the look on your face! I got you so good!!!
[gets up from his wheelchair]
Harry
Wait a second! Are you telling me that you were faking for 20 years?!
Lloyd
Uh-huh.
Harry
So you mean that you just wasted the best years of your life...
Lloyd
Out the window.
[scoffs]
Harry
And you let me come here every Wednesday for like, 1,000 weeks, and it was all just for a gag!?
Lloyd
Uh-huh!
Harry
That's... awesome!
Misunderstandings About Attraction Among Friends
Harry
You're hot for my daughter!
Lloyd
What?
Harry
Am I right?
Lloyd
What?
Harry
Am I right?
Lloyd
That's insane!
Harry
Don't deny it, Lloyd!
Game of Smells and Points
Lloyd
Hey, you guys wanna play "He Who Smelt It"?
Harry
Yeah.
Travis
What's that?
Lloyd
It's complicated, so pay attention. We put the windows up, first one who smells a fart gets a point. If you say who dealt it, double points.
Harry
But if you say you smelled a fart and nobody farted, like if we were just passing a slaughterhouse...
Lloyd
False fart!
Harry
...you lose a point. And you can't smell your own farts, either.
Travis
What, are you guys kidding? No! No! I'm not gonna sit around sniffing your guys farts like some kinda truffle pig! Forget it.
Harry
Okay, fine. Lloyd and I will play one-on-one.
Lloyd
Yeah, head-to-head.
Travis
How can you play one-on-one? If you smell a fart and you didn't do it, isn't it obvious the other guy did?
Lloyd
I thought you said you never played before.
Harry
Yeah, sounds like he wrote the rule book.
Lloyd
I think we might have a hustler here Har.
Harry
Uh-huh.
Travis
What are you doing?
Lloyd
I forgot.
[pause]
Unexpected Family Revelation
Bernard
But that was a couple years ago, and I'm sure she'll appreciate all the trouble you've gone to find her. Let's call her.
[after Harry shows him the letter; He dials her number and hands Harry his cellphone]
Harry
It's ringing!
Lloyd
Whoever this is, we're in the middle of something really important. Can you call back later?
[whispers]
Harry
No, I can't call back later. I have something to tell you and it might freak you out a little bit, but...this is your dad.
[oblivious Lloyd is speaking]
Lloyd
What? Hold on. Hey, guys? I know this is weird timing, but I got to take this. It's my dead dad.
[to Adele and Bernard]
Harry
She's got me on hold.
[to Adele and Bernard]
Lloyd
Dad, what did you do with all those penthouses? Did you throw them out?
Harry
No, they're under my mattress. Why?
Adele
You idiot, that is Penny's phone!
[sighs; takes the phone]
Catheter Removal Discussion Between Friends
Lloyd
Why don't you roll me inside? We'll get the nurse to take the catheter outta me. I wanna see if my lizard's still spittin straight.
Harry
We don't need nurses for that. I know how to do it.
Lloyd
But don't you have to...
Unexpected Reunion in a Comedic Situation
Dr. Lewis Meldman
You're out of here. You're out.
[dragging Harry by his arm]
Harry
Mrs. P.! What are you doing here?
[surprised]
Dr. Barbara Walcott
Do you always call your wife Mrs. P.?
Harry
Oh, uh... How you doing, sugar tits? I missed you.
Adele
This man is a fraud. And that box belongs to my husband. He stole it from us.
Captain Lippincott
Hand it over, buddy.
Harry
Uh-uh. I swore I'd only give this box to Penny.
Captain Lippincott
Gimme the box!
Harry
Here you go.
Acceptance Letter from Arizona State
Harry Dunne
Oh, look. An acceptance letter from Arizona State.
[going through his extremely old mail left at his childhood home]
Excitement and Camaraderie in a Light Moment
Harry
Bush club! Bush club! Bush club! Bush club!
[giggles goofily as Lloyd glares in anger at him]
Lloyd
I feel really good, Har.
Harry
Me too!
Lloyd
Really good!
Lloyd
You might wanna step on it, Har!
[panicking]
Counting Days Until the KEN Event
Lloyd
Hey, when is this KEN thing, anyway?
Travis
It actually starts today, but Penny doesn't give her speech until the night of May 2nd.
Harry
So that gives us...How many days are in April?
Lloyd
Thirty days have September, all the rest I can't remember.
Harry
Must be 31, because nothing rhymes with August.
Lloyd
No, I think it's 32, Har. April's a leap month.
Harry
31.
Lloyd
32.
Harry
31.
Lloyd
32.
Harry and Lloyd
2, 2, 2! 31, 31, 1, 1, 1!
[overlapping]
Travis
30! There's 30!
Harry
Thank you.
Travis
You said 31.
Harry
Yeah, but I was closer.
Debating the Cost of Free Beer
Lloyd
How much for a beer?
Bartender
It's gratis.
Lloyd
Ooh. That sounds expensive. Can you give us a moment?
[misunderstanding what "gratis" means]
Harry
Lloyd, we blew our money on the graduation robes. Maybe we shouldn't drink.
Lloyd
No way! I need booze, man. If I meet your daughter without a buzz on, she'll think I'm an idiot. Hey, wait a minute! What about the ol Stinkeroo?
[notices two men finishing their beers and gets a sneaky idea]
Harry
Yeah! I'm in.
[thinks for a moment]
Lloyd
Scuse me, ma'am.
[to Ms. Sourpuss as she walks by]
Ms. Sourpuss
Yes?
Lloyd
This beer smells funky. Could I have a new one, please?
Ms. Sourpuss
What do you mean funky?
Lloyd
Go ahead. Take a sniff.
[holds out the glass for Ms. Sourpuss to sniff]
Ms. Sourpuss
EWW! I'll get you a freshie.
[sniffs the glass; takes the glass]
Harry
Mine's stinky, too.
[holds out the hand that he scratched his butt with, only for Lloyd to hit him on the arm, reminding him to hold the glass out. Harry does so]
Ms. Sourpuss
Yours smells even WORSE! I'll be right back.
[sniffs Harry's glass, then gags in disgust; takes the glass]
Lloyd
Yours smells even worse!
Harry
Thanks. You're really good at that, Lloyd.
Lloyd
Well, I learned from the best. Thanks, Mom.
[looks up]
Misunderstanding a Name in Conversation
Lloyd
I'm his associate, Dr. Christmas.
Dr. Lewis Meldman
Ah, Christmas, like the holiday?
Lloyd
No. Like the tree.
Harry's New Roommate Revealed
Lloyd
Who's the astronaut?
[Lloyd notices Harry has a meth dealer in their apartment]
Harry
Oh that's my new room-mate.
Lloyd
Roommate? You have a new roommate?
[shocked and slightly disappointed]
Harry
Well you know I had to get someone to pay your half of the rent while you were in hospital. How's it going, Ice Pick?
Ice Pick
Best day ever. Greatest day of my life, really.
Harry
Pick cooks up a rock candy that will make you dizzy. Folks come from all over the city to buy them.
Lloyd
It's burning my eyes! Must be Cajun style!
Unexpected Conversations and Misunderstandings
Lloyd
I can't believe that douchebag stole our hearse. I hope something really bad happens to him.
[thinking Travis drove off on them]
Harry
No, but I tried ostrich once.
Lloyd
Harry, holy cow! I'm worried about you. You're as deaf as a bat.
[stops Harry; waves his hand over Harry's face]
Harry
That's not exactly how it happened, Lloyd. Your mother got into bed with me.