A Fish Called Wanda Quotes

Otto Don't call me stupid.

Otto You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead, asshole.

Archie How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?

Otto You're the vulgarian, you fuck!

Wendy My father was in the Secret Service, Mr. Manfredjensenjen, and I happen to know perfectly well that you do not keep the general public informed when you are debriefing a KGB defector in a safe house.

Otto Oh you don't?

Wendy Not unless you're congenitally insane or irretrievably stupid, no.

Otto Don't call me stupid.

Wendy Why on Earth not?

Wanda To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs!

Otto Okay...Okay... DISAPPOINTED!!! Son of a bitch! What do you have to do in this life to make people trust you?!?!...People are always takin advantage of me.

Otto When you say "friendly", what are we talking about here? Cordial? Courteous? Supportive? What?

Wanda I don't know. Let's just see what happens.

Otto So, "friendly" might include actual, uh, what? Penetration?

Archie Ms Gershwitz, do you remember where you were on the evening of the 7th?

Wanda Yes, I was at the apartment.

Archie And were you alone or was someone else there?

Wanda No someone else was there.

Archie And who was that?

Wanda My brother.

Archie Your brother, good and your brother? Are you sure it was your brother?

Judge Mr. Leach I'm sure Ms. Gershwitz can recognize her own brother, after all she's had a relationship with him her whole life.

Archie Yes, sorry your honour. Well, was anybody else there with you?

Wanda Yes George was there. But he left about five to seven.

Archie Wanda! I wonder, how could you be sure it was five to seven?

Wanda Because I looked at the clock. I remember looking at the clock and thinking, where could George be going with that sawn off shotgun?

Archie Darling!

Judge Mr. Leach, "Darling"?

Archie Yes, dear?

Wanda I knew you'd come along and fuck it up! I was dealing with something delicate. I'm setting up a guy who's important to us, who'll tell me where the loot is and if you'll be arrested, and you come loping in like Rambo without a jock strap and you dangle him out a fifth-floor window! Now, was that smart? Was it shrewd? Was it good tactics? Or was it stupid?

Otto You know your problem? You don't like winners.

Archie Winners?

Otto Yeah, winners.

Archie Winners, like... ]?

Otto Shut up! We did not lose ]! It was a tie!

Archie I'm tellin you, baby, they kicked your little ass there! Boy, they whooped yer hide real good!

Otto No they didn't!!

Archie Oh yes they did!

Otto Oh no they... SHUT UP! Goodbye Archie.

Archie Gonna shoot me Otto?

Otto Er Yes. Yes fraid so old chap sorry.

Otto Oh look, it's K-K-Ken! C-C-Coming to k-k-kill me! How you gonna c-c-catch me, K-K-Ken?

Wanda Even if you were my brother, I'd still want to fuck you.

Otto Oh you English are SO superior aren't you? Well, would you like to know where you'd be without US the good old U.S. of A. to protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, that's where! So DON'T call me stupid, lady. Just THANK me! ...If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking German, singing, "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles!

Archie All right, all right, I apologize.

Otto You're really sorry?

Archie I'm really really sorry. I apologize unreservedly.

Otto You take it back?

Archie I do. I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.

Otto Okay.

Wanda But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?

Otto Apes don't read philosophy.

Wanda Yes they do, Otto, they just don't understand it! Now let me correct you on a couple things, okay? Aristotle was not Belgian! The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself!" And the London Underground is not a political movement! Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked em up. Now. You have just assaulted the one man who can keep you out of jail and make you rich. So what are you going to do about it, huh? What would... an intellectual do? What would Plato do?

Otto Apologize.

Wanda Pardon me?

Otto Apologize.

Wanda What?

Otto Apologize! I'm sorry.

Wanda No. Not to me. To Archie. And make it good, or we're dead.

Otto You really like animals, don't you, Ken? What's the attraction?

Ken B-b-b-because you c-c-an trust them, and they don't sh-sh-sh-

Otto Shit on you?

Ken ... Shove off all the t-t-t-time.

Archie You make me feel free!

Wanda Free?

Archie Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time, being so stifled by this dread of, of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone, Are you married? and hearing, My wife left me this morning, or saying, uh, Do you have children? and being told they all burned to death on Wednesday. You see, Wanda, we're all terrified of embarrassment. That's why we're so... dead. Most of my friends are dead, you know; we've these piles of corpses to dinner. But you're alive, God bless you, and I want to be, I'm so fed up with all this. I want to make love with you, Wanda. I'm a good lover - at least, used to be, back in the early 14th century. Can we go to bed?

Wanda ...Yeah.

Otto You English! You think you're so superior, don't you? Well you're the filth of the planet! A bunch of pompous, badly dressed, poverty stricken, sexually repressed football hooligans!

Wanda I'm sorry about Otto, Ken. I know he can be insensitive, but he's had a hard life. Dad used to beat him up.

Ken Good!

Ken What's h-happening?

Otto Well, Ken. I'm going to ask you a series of questions while I eat my chips. First, who was the philosopher who developed the concept of the Superman in Thus Spake Zarathustra?

Ken (dumbstruck)

Otto No? That's a chip up the nose, I'm afraid. (sticks his chips up Ken's right nostril) Friedrich Nietzsche! Next. In which book did Nietzsche claim that all almost all higher culture is based on cruelty?

Ken (opens mouth)

Otto Are you thinking or in mid-stutter?

Ken You're m-m-mad.

Otto (sticks a chip up Ken's other nostril) Beyond Good and Evil! Guess I'll have to ask you an easy one, eh, Ken? OK. Um... Let me think, let me think. Um... Where are the diamonds? I'll give you a clue. Somewhere around the airport.

Ken I'm n-n-n...

Otto No hassle. There's plenty of time. I'll just sit here and eat my chips till you tell me. The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip. What do the English usually eat with chips to make them more interesting? Wait a moment! It's fish. Isn't it? Oh! Here, boy. Down the hatch. Delicious!

Ken You b-b-b...

Otto Better eat the green one? OK. What's this one's name? Well, not Wanda, anyway. I'm going to call her Lunch. Hello, Lunch. Hello! Ew! Avoid the green ones - not ripe yet.

Wanda Otto, what are you doing?

Archie It's a Buddhist meditation technique. Focuses your aggression. The monks used to do it before going into battle.

Wanda What kind of Buddhism is this, Otto?

Wanda What are you thinking, Archie?

Archie I'm just trying to think of one good reason why I should take you to South America with me.

Wanda How about... because I have the key to the safety deposit box?

Archie (after a pause) That's a...

Archie/Wanda Good reason! (laugh)