Chris Rock Quotes

Jay Yo, man, tell me something about me.

Rufus You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.

Jay Ah, fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.

Rufus When you do it, you're thinking about guys.

Jay Dude, not all the time.

Bethany You knew ]?

Rufus Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks!

Pookie Scottie, help me - I'm gonna die!

Rufus His only real beef with mankind is the shit that gets carried out in His name. Wars, bigotry, televangelism. The big one, though, is the fractioning of all of the religions. He said mankind got it all wrong by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it.

Bethany You’re saying having beliefs is a bad thing?

Rufus I just think it’s better to have ideas. I mean, you can change an idea, changing a belief is trickier. People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now, because of the Catholic belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief. And if they’re successful, you, me… ALL of this ends in a heartbeat, all over a belief.

Battle Wow, no bullshit? Real football, against the guards?

Nate Scarborough Full contact.

Battle Captain Knauer is their quarterback?

Caretaker Yup.

Battle So I get to...tackle him?

Paul Crewe Yeah, you can either tackle him or hit him over the head with that hammer.

Battle I want to hurt him, not kill him.

Caretaker Let's get out of here before that thing bites someone.

Paul Okay, we'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.

Nate Scarborough Hazen has a rating system for every con.

Paul Crewe What's three stars?

Nate The more prone to violence that the inmate is, the more stars he gets.

Skitchy Five stars is the max.

Caretaker I didn't know that.

Skitchy Yeah.

Caretaker Let's see how many stars my maniacal ass got.

Paul Wow.

Caretaker Half a star? That's gotta be a mistake. Check it again. Check it again.

Paul You're about as maniacal as a boxful of kittens.

Caretaker Come on, that's not funny, man. I'm gonna have to stab somebody or something. Get my rep up.

Paul Why don't we have a maniacal pillow fight tonight. That could get it up some.

Skitchy Yeah. We can sell it to pay-per-view. Superstar Versus Half-a-Star.

Rufus So what do we do now?

Metatron Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.

Pookie (Pooky describing a room used for freebasing) They call it the "Enterprise Room", man, because it's for people who wanna be beamed up to Scotty.

Bony T Now check this out, man. I've been working here about 9 days. You know, been on time most of the time, even when it rains. Don't you think it's about time we talk promotion?

Marcus HAHAHA!

Bony T Marcus. Come on, man. I get my own office, man. Bring my hos in here, we have a little party, set this muthafucka off, man!

Rufus Why, Bethany Sloane, are you saying you believe?

Bethany No. But I have a good idea.

Caretaker Now who we gonna crush?!

Crowd THE GUARDS!

Caretaker Who we gonna kill?!

Crowd THE GUARDS!

Caretaker Who we gonna kiss?!

Brucie THE GUARDS!

Caretaker Gotcha.

Mays Gilliam You're right, Vice-President Lewis. I am an amateur. When it comes to creating so many enemies that we need billions of dollars to protect ourselves, I'm an amateur. When it comes to paying farmers not to grow food while people in this country starve every day, I'm an amateur. When it comes to creating a drug policy that makes crack and heroin cheaper than asthma and AIDS medicine, I'm an amateur. But there's nothing wrong with being an amateur. The people that started the Underground Railroad were amateurs. Martin Luther King was an amateur. Have you ever been to Amateur Night at the ]? Some of the world's best talent was there: ], ], Rockwell, the Crown Heights Affair.

Martin Geller Hall and Oates!

Gilliam The Fat Boys, Rob Base. But you wouldn't know nothing about that. Why? Because when it comes to judging talent and potential.. you, my friend, are an amateur!

Vice-President Brian Lewis I believe the alderman is over his time.

Gilliam No, no you had eight years of talk. Now it's my turn. I'm gonna get mine. I'm getting mine!

Arbiter Ladies and gentlemen, hold your applause, please.

Gilliam How can you help the poor if you never been poor? How can you stop crime if you don't know no criminals? How can you make drug policy if you never smoked a chronic? How can you do that? Just a nickel bag. I'm a real American. I've been high, I've been robbed, I've been broke. My credit is horrible. They won't even take my cash! Now, you're always talking about "God bless America, and no place else," but isn't it obvious that God has blessed America? America is the richest, most powerful nation on Earth. If America was a woman, America would be a big-titty woman and everybody loves a big-titted woman. So in closing, I'd like to say you are full of shit! "God bless America and no place else." How about "God bless Haiti"? How about "God bless Africa"? How about "God bless Jamaica"? I'm not talking about Jamaica, the beach tribes y'all love, I'm talking about stabbing in Jamaica. That's what I'm talking about. So tonight, I want to say God bless America, and everybody else! The whole world! God bless you! I'm Mays Gilliam, and I'm running for President of the United States of America. Ya heard?

Roxanne Feder Excuse me, why are you here? What's the matter?

Frat Boy Milo I tell you what is the matter. These old townies trashed our frat house! And nobody treats our good-times headquarters with disrespect!

Braden Higgins They didn't do it. Me do it.

Frat Boy Milo Don't try and cover for him, Z-Dog!

Lenny Feder Who's Z-Dog?

Frat Boy Andy We know they're trying to get back at us for making them do the naked plunge in our swimming hole.

Deanne McKenzie Your swimming hole? I've been swimming at the quarry since I was eight years old.

Frat Boy Andy Apparently, everybody in this crap town has been swimming there since they were eight years old. I guess nobody wants to leave this dump because they're too busy sucking! We'll finish later.

Frat Boy Milo You promise?

Frat Boy Andy I promise.

Frat Boy Milo Okay.

Dickey Bailey Hey, smart guy! Lenny Feder left this town, moved to Hollywood, made big bucks, probably more money than all you brainiacs put together ever will. But guess what? He came back here. Cause this beautiful town is his home. And it always will be his home.

Frat Boy Milo Well, that was just a moving testament to this community, bro! But we didn't come here to hear any lame speeches. We came here to kick some old, smelly ass!

Lenny Feder Fellas, we may be old.

Marcus Higgins We may be smelly.

Deanne McKenzie We may have a penis.

Eric Lamonsoff But the only ones getting their ass kicked around here is gonna be you spoiled, privileged, uppity, preppy D-bags.

Kurt McKenzie You hear that? Now let's get BUSY!!

Rufus I'm telling you, man, this ceremony tomorrow is a mistake!

Cardinal Glick The Catholic Church does not make mistakes!

Rufus Please! What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?

Bethany And its platform of non-involvement during the ]?

Cardinal Glick ...All right, mistakes were made.

Pookie (sobbing) I tried to kick... but that shit just be callin me man, it be callin me, man... I just got to go to it!

Bethany Why me? Out of all the people on the goddamn planet, why was I tapped?

Rufus Imagine you're a twelve-year old boy, and one day you're told you're God's only son- more than that, you're God. How long do you think it would take you to come to grips with something that huge? Maybe, say, eighteen years? In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from twelve to thirty. Twelve to thirty! Now that's some pretty bad story-telling! Where are the texts dealing with the missing eighteen years?! I'll tell you where; they were offered up as a sacrifice to the God of ecumenical politics!

Bethany You make it sound like there was some Church conspiracy to cover up the "truth about Christ"! Bullshit! Any important material about Christ would give people a better understanding of the nature of God. Why leave any of it out?

Rufus Because it's all closely tied in with His family.

Bethany His ] and ]?

Rufus His ].

Bethany Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters; Mary was a virgin.

Rufus Mary ] without knowing a man's touch, this is true, but she did have a husband. And do you really think he would have stayed married to her for all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin birth are all leaps of faith, but to believe a married couple never got down...well that's just plain gullibility!

Bethany Meaning?

Rufus The blood that flows through your veins shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level with the one you call Jesus. Bethany, you are the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.

Jay So that would make Bethany... part black?

Mays Gilliam They had a speech written for me about what the people need, but you guys are the people. You know what you need. Better schools, better jobs, less crime. How many of you, right now work two jobs just to have enough money to be broke? That ain't right. If you work two jobs, and at the end of the week, you got just enough money to get your broke ass home, Let me hear you say, "That ain't right!

Crowd That ain't right!

Gilliam How many of you have children that they call stupid? Don't be ashamed! It ain't your fault. I asked my niece the other day, "What's four plus four?" She said, "44." But that ain't her fault! That's the school's fault. If your child's school has old-ass books and brand-new metal detectors, let me hear you say, "That ain't right!

Crowd That ain't right!

Gilliam It ain't right. And now we got these corporations stealing all the money. They ain't stealing their money, they stealing our money! The pension. You work for 35 years. You thought you'd leave your kids a ], now you're gonna leave them with a won't! You show up to get your pension, they give you a pen! Give you a damn pen! What in the hell am I supposed to do with a pen? I should stab you in the neck with this pen, Mr. Pension Taker.

Old man Get your hand out of my pocket!

Gilliam Taking everybody's pension, and nobody going to jail.

Mitch Gilliam That's some bullshit. Ain't it?

Mays Meanwhile, you and I steal a Big Mac with cheese next thing you know, we on Death Row!

Crowd That ain't right!

Gilliam How many of you work in a city you can't afford to live in? That ain't right! How many of you work in a mall you can't afford to shop in? That ain't right! How many of you clean up a hotel... you ain't never gonna be able to stay in? That ain't right! And we got nurses that work in hospitals they can't even afford to get sick in. It ain't right! It ain't right. It ain't right. It isn't right! That shit is wrong! It's dead wrong!

Cardinal Glick Who sent you here?

Rufus We were sent by Him who is called ]!

Cardinal Glick Cute. Really cute.

Rufus Worked for ].

Haru The blackness of my belt is as black as inside of a coffin on a moonless night.

Joey That's pretty nice, man.

Pookie They got that shit hooked up like Mission Impossible, man!

Azrael Get me a... Holy Bartender.

Bartender Never heard of it.

Azrael Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?

Serendipity Don't...

Azrael Ahh, anybody? No? Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... Get it?

Serendipity Sweet Jesus, Azrael, why?

Rufus Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!

Azrael Now, now, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you.

Serendipity Are you really that stupid!? You do know what happens if those two jerks enter the church, don't you?

Azrael I'm actually counting on it! And the pawns are moving into place as we speak...

Jay Holy Bartender! I get it, that's a great one!

Cardinal Glick Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook em while they're young.

Rufus Kind of like the tobacco industry?

Cardinal Glick Christ, if only we had their numbers.

Lenny Feder Look at this. Beers on ice, hot ladies everywhere, this is how we used to do it.

Frat Guy This is Kappa Eta Sigma property, so you might wanna quit pervin on our ladies and get back to your trailer homes.

Lenny Feder Okay, easy there, Abercrombie.

Kurt McKenzie I haven't been around this many arrogant white college kids since Eminem played Duke.

Other Frat Guy At least we got into college, skinny Danny Glover.

Lenny Feder Hey, fellas, that was a good handshake, we've got a good one too, it goes like this.

Kurt McKenzie How are you doing, sir?

Eric Lamonsoff Very good, nice to see you.

Inmate Hey, yo, check out this fake Slim Shady, man.

Cheeseburger Eddy I knew you couldn't resist my shit. I got the shakes that will make you quake, I got the fries that will cross your eyes, I got the burgers that will... I just got burgers.

Paul Crewe I'm all right. Thank you. Just wanted to talk to you fellas about possibly joining the football team.

Deacon The only game we'd play with you is "Slap the Point-Shaving White Boy Till He Cries Like a Baby-Back Bitch.

Cheeseburger Eddy Baby-back bitch, baby-back bitch Baby-back bitch.

Caretaker That's a big-ass robot.

Paul Yeah.

Mays Gilliam Your mother's ass is so big, when she sits down she's three feet taller. Yo, Lewis! Your mother's got a really big ass!

Lewis Advisor Sir, it's time we prepare for a debate.

Vice-President Brian Lewis Nah, give me one good reason I should debate that jerk.

Lewis Advisor He talked about your mother, sir!

Lewis So what?

Mrs Lewis Are you going to just let him talk about me like that?

Jay You believe this shit?!

Rufus You know, that's a lot like the good people of ] were saying, right before they stoned my ass!

Bethany You were martyred?

Rufus That's one way of putting it. Another would be I was bludgeoned to death by big fucking rocks!